Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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