he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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