Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
