the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
