I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
