So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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