Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
babies were throwing up all over the place
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Found your dick twin last night
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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