the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Randomize
