Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
