I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
