i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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