So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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