i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
