Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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