Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
