I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just want nice things and good sex
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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