FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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