I don't usually arrange sex via text message
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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