I just pynch a tree in the face
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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