on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
