fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
