my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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