he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
