Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
