So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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