Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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