I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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