and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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