I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
