he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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