i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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