i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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