You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Randomize
