Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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