my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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