I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
