I murdered the dance floor call the cops
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
