my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
