I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
