I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
