I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
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