Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
