hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
