Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
