I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
