dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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