im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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