i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
