last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
