Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
