can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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