I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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