Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
