Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
