thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
