you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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