Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize