worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
