I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize