Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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