i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
