she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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